there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
