mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
