Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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