Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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