So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
