dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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