i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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