The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
