Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
