she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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