I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
These tits shall not be calmed
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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