my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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