could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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