Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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