We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
