Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am one with the molecules
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
