i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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