YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize