I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
