Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
