they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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