weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
meet me or not, i'm out of control
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
