i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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