So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
