your parents love me but you hate me
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
