Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
His hands were made for my vagina.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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