I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think your dad took our porno
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
