Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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