the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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