This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
