If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
