I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
