if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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