Little spoons don't ask big questions
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
