So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
