we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
