You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
