Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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