just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
If I die, sorry about rent.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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