ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
