I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
