i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
