Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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