fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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