rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
