what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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