I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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