She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
