i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
