I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
