mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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