Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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