I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
