i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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