she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
