I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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