That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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