i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
