literally had 100 drinks last night.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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